My mom and dad divorced 13 years ago, and since then, my mom has been married twice and my dad has been in a non-marriage relationship with the same woman for 9 years, and he obviously is not happy. My mom has a ton of anxiety like me, but unlike me, she does not understand it because she has not been in a single therapy session for eight years at least, and so she isn't even aware it's a problem when she has episodes.
To be frank and quite honest, they hate eachother still. No, this isn't an overstatement...they only ever have negative things to say about each other, and they constantly put me and my sister (I'm 23 and she's 21) in their issues and we inevitably become the 'difficult children'. To make things worse, my parents are both enabled by their partners: my stepfather (bless his heart, he's such a sweet man and he really loves mom) feeds mom's anxiety by never pointing it out and instead asking others not to do whatever it is that freaks mom out. My dad's fiancee constantly reminds him mom is crazy and keeps the fire burning.
And before anyone asks, I have tried and tried and tried to get them to stop their immature bickering. As soon as I do, they re-light their fire by saying things like 'well, if your mother was more sane...' and 'why are you talking to me? your father is the wrong one!', and I am pulled into another argument.
This will sound cold, and I'm really not sorry if it does because it's exactly how I fee, but I really couldn't give a damn about their disdain for each other at this point. Me and my sister are trying to be somewhat productive with ourselves, and we are pulled into stress and chaos by this along the way. My sister is now suffering from really bad anxiety that she has kept at bay for years, and I am just exhausted and angry.
My sister's married and she is in college about to get an MA in Family Counseling, while I am still trying to find what works with me while finally coming to terms with my being gay. Both of our lives are going in circles because our folks are inevitably heavily involved (that's just how my family is) and, naturally, everything bad comes with it.
And one reason I'm posting is because I"m tired of getting into these things, getting stressed/angry/disappointed/offended, and saying things I regret that make the whole conflict essentially my responsibility. I'm a good person and a good communicator, but I have a boiling point- although it is somewhat lower than those of others because I am still doing a lot of work. It makes me feel like a bad person whenever this happens and I find myself needing to remind me that it takes two to tango.
I am at home for a while because I recently left college. Mom was hospitable enough to provide me shelter long enough to find a job and get my own place (about a year). Aside from this, my failure in college and my history of wrongdoings make me feel like I have absolutely no place to address this or even have a problem with it.
But, I am proud of the progress I have made in therapy in the last two years (it has been tremendous), and the thought of regressing - again - just gives me chills and sadness. I do not want this to happen at this point, and I need a healthy and satisfying solution to everything. Thanks for your advice...
Last edited by Jayjangle; 25-03-12 at 06:31.
That's a lot of stuff you shared.
I been in a treatment center for months and another one for ten days and i never saw anyone share like that.
I’m sure many people can relate to different things you wrote on there, but i really think i can relate with you more than most.
I lived 18 years in what i called hell. My mom was bi polar and did not think she had a problem.
My dad was a nut.
My brother lashed out on me he turned everything into spite where i wanted to be the better person.
Its an amazing quality I see in you.
I think you are wise by backing off. I wanted to fix everything. I was my dad’s consular not my dad's son.
Now I’m paying big time. I know you can’t always just back out.
For me my dad would bust down my door if i hid all the time.
I don’t know if in this way you are different. I do know you are trapped so it the same sort of thing.
My father would complain about my mother saying she’s bitchy and does not clean and work and ...he would be the kind of person to say the same things over and over. So I used conflict resolution. I learned it well. Agree to disagree. Or agree to avoid conflict. I learned to agree and use past examples with my dad of things he said.
For example he would say, ‘‘you know what I don’t like about your mom? I get home and she yells at the top of her voice at will smith (aka my bother) I work 8 hours a day and im f++++ing sleepy. She does not even clean the house all she does is use the computer to talk to strange men on the computer…
So what I use to say to him despite what I really was thinking (the fact that he watches porn on the internet and spends no time with her and called her a little b+++h) is simply I agree. What mom should do is talk to him in another room in a nice calm voice.
This makes him want to talk more about her at this point I don’t listen. I just nod my head. As soon as I can get a word in I agree or comment on last statement made so it looks like I’m listening. This makes it so I don’t get too involved personally. Then I say you should tell her that her that yelling is not solving anything. You know mom yells because she’s upset most likely at will smith. This is stressing her out.( Notice I’m leaving my old man out of the picture). After he talks with me hes clam and more open. Most of the time he does not talk to my mom about it but he sees why she is the way she is.
I do the same thing with my mom. Usually as an escape my dad works out side so I just go up to him. As for my mom She is by the pc. So I point something out on her game or wait for a good time. The down side is no one sorts out there conflicts with me so I get the short stick.
Also I took this stuff on when I found I was depressed and using I had to get out of there. And the wars started.
What you are in is mental abuse whether you see it as that or not.
You need to get out if you can. My brother who is 22 has social anxiety so he’s really suck.
My brother don’t get that I’m not there to consul my dad any more so he’s taking the heat. My sister is 13 and she is there also.
So I know it’s hard. All I can say is look at it as being friends with each of them. And only bite off what you can chew. For me a shelter was better than putting up with the bs.
As for failing Please lol. Not to be a jerk but failure is the thing that hurts me most. The inability to help, or the inability to do something. I have a brain injery no one knew and I failed grade one.
After that I was called stupid, retared, and no able to do anything.
My a.d.d was the reason why my dad lost his keys or forgot the milk. In conclustion If you think you failed you did not because you learned from the courses you took. I hope that helps if not and I got you all wrong im sorry but maybe it will help someone else and if nothing else it was good excise to write.
Hang in there