Please May You Offer Advice?
Life was fine for me for many years in the early 2000s. It was in the years 2003 to 2006 that life went smoothly, there were no difficulties. At school I was doing well and had many friends. I would read many books and took a great interest in history, politics, philosophy. Looking back on those years it seems everything was rosy and bright.
Suddenly it changed in 2007. Suddenly life was no longer as bright and cheerful, there was far less to happy with. Initially I had difficulty understanding what changed but I have come to understand that it was a number of things. First among them was I began to feel my first romance at school. For some reason or another this changed me into a completely different personality and I believe to some extent altered my brain chemistry to negative results. My days were spent longing for her, non-stop and constant. It is hard to describe such sentiments but it was like some sort of emotional addiction and made me feel the deepest sadness.
Aside from this I developed delusions that my friends did not like me and started avoiding them or giving them a cold shoulder. The result was isolation and emotional detachment from those around me. Living in a three story house where my room was on the third floor and my family were on lower floors meant that this same story took place at home as well. I became estranged from both my friends and family alike. People eventually started wondering what was wrong with me and were majorly concerned. It has taken many years to repair these friendships and it is a testament to the quality of people they that they have forgiven my stupidity. Some people I am yet to ever re-develop ties with.
Another issue was that I perceived myself to be an evil person as well. Sadly I had started reading extremist racist propaganda against my own race. It is a destructive part of me that if something upsets or disturbs me I will not hide from it but delve further and further. The belief that I was an evil person or of an evil race drove me next to insane.
Gradually these issues have resolved themselves. However what lasts is the legacy.
In the days of happiness circa 2003 to early 2007 before life collapsed and I entered this deep darkness of the years 2007 to 2009 I was able to feel emotions. The world felt colourful, with depth, lots of light and emotion. Music moved my heart, the ideas and stories I would read in books would inspire and enliven my mind. After the period of darkness it is as if the world has no emotional depth. Music does not inspire me, it makes me feel nothing, while everything else bores me.
It is as if I have no feeling in my heart, like there is a weight on it unable to move. It is like my mind is unable to feel anything, like there is a barrier between me and the colourful enlivened world that everyone else seems to experience.
What I would like to know is how to leave this state of being, this feeling of nothingness and being sealed off from the rest of existence. In 2005 or so I used to wake up feeling great happiness, but today I feel like it is only another day.
Is this common for those who have undergone extreme anguish? It is as if the world has no colour. I feel like I am a robot or machine now.
Last edited by NZ_Help; 25-03-12 at 05:17.
P.S. At the time I was in the romantic phase I felt non-stop emotions. I would cry for things which had no direct effect on me, such as a leader passing away. Also I would cry not out of sadness but because for some unknown reason there was a pleasure experiencing such emotions?
I do not understand anything.
Welcome to the forum well done for posting. Well done for telling us all that and writing it all down
So sorry to hear of what you have suffered with and what you are suffering now.
Have you been back to your GP latetly and told them how you are feeling? if not maybe you need to go back and tell them and get them to refer you onto some cousnelling or a talking treatment.
Sorry i cant advise much.
take care keep strong and keep talking