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    1. #1
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      i know no-one understands only me knows my past present and now and no-one understands this situation but ah well no-one ever understands me apart from me i feel so lonely isolated and i feel i like i cant do this anymore.
      i really cant other people are like move on and enoughs enough well everyone else try and deal what ive had to deal with in my life and then have the lastest bombshell thrown at you a month ago and see how others cope obviously im a pathetic failure and i hurt so much i wish i could be someone different and make this pain go away and i wish i could just forget and move on and as everyone else puts it and that i wouldnt have to be on here but i cant so im sorry im trying but i cant! probably if she found out how i was reacting to this she would think im a freak! and wouldnt want to know me so im just a freskish mess i really wish i was someone else! and i wish i could start over again and not be here

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      You are contrasting your self mostlilkly becuase you are hurting. you say no one understands. You also have a face that says help. Therefore you want help but you might refuse to accept it. Maybe im wrong never the less ill get you fixed rate up ^_^. i wish :C. you know there is not easy out. I might understand if you gave me more to work off of. you say how you feel but you dont say whats going on. There for i can only understand your emotions which trust me everyone here felt the same emotions at one point unless there is a medical reason why they cant. Never the less i can. Most im sure. The fact that i too have depression and was feeling like killing my self proves it. anything to do anything irrational though. hunched over in pain spit driping on the floor becuase of the pain. Feels worse then the tendon i broke on my shoulder rofl. isolation Nope no letting you going grab you by the hair and drag you into the sun. sorry love. next umm you feel like you cant do do this any more you better prove me wrong by posting back too me. as for that yeah umm no your not aloud. Thats forbidden ^_*. Next uhm whats next...pathedic failure yep your RIGHT! WOOT! XD UG how many lies do you tell your self in the day. Well Let me tell you how it is. You have 500 plus more posts then me there for youre winning in pathedic failure posts ^_^ jk Truth is you fail becuase you say you fail. Both my roomates cant even get to this site becuase the suck with a computer. I guess they should go kill thems selves too. WRONG! xD next...what could be next. Ok your a jerk saying you would not have to be on here if you where well. What about meeee *snif* *snif* As for you tring i think i can i think i can cho cho...xD LOL i think your a freak. Most likely not in the same way xD your like the freaky person who accully going over come this all. Now if thats not freaky id hate to see the living dead. Then again i bet they look like me after all i am one xD wish you where some one else ^_^ i got a DEAL FOR YOU! i know this crack house with some priity hip people ^_^ eek so excited! as for a new start how much they cost ill buy 10 ^_^.

      This all was not to make fun of you and your ordeals. I read somethng like that i see some one in pain i dont feel sorry for you becuase im the same its called pain. I do feel sympthedic becuae some times i want to give up. I want the pain to go anything but the pain. I shack i trun cold. i lose emotions. I self medicate. I wonder....why me. Then i sit back have a smoke (dont smoke bad habbit xD) and say why ask something i know already. Im here now so that means im to stay. god no god. must we find x or do we make x = what ever the fuck we want. mostlikely dont mean much but keep going for fuck sakes ^_^

    3. #3
      Senior Member Yorkshirelass's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by aleshadxcherylc View Post
      i know no-one understands only me knows my past present and now and no-one understands this situation but ah well no-one ever understands me apart from me i feel so lonely isolated and i feel i like i cant do this anymore.
      i really cant other people are like move on and enoughs enough well everyone else try and deal what ive had to deal with in my life and then have the lastest bombshell thrown at you a month ago and see how others cope obviously im a pathetic failure and i hurt so much i wish i could be someone different and make this pain go away and i wish i could just forget and move on and as everyone else puts it and that i wouldnt have to be on here but i cant so im sorry im trying but i cant! probably if she found out how i was reacting to this she would think im a freak! and wouldnt want to know me so im just a freskish mess i really wish i was someone else! and i wish i could start over again and not be here
      Hi Katie,

      I will be honest, it is difficult for me to understand the strong feelings you've developed for your former therapist, but I recognise you have them and and that you are hurting. I know what it's like to have lost someone and what it's like to hurt. I also know what it's like to feel like you can't go on and to feel like you've failed completely at everything. What I'm saying is I understand a bit at least.

      I am worried for you that if/when you start your new therapy next month you will be resistant to engaging with it because it's not the same therapist. I would hate for you to miss out on something that could be so incredibly positive for you because of the way you feel now. I am also wondering if a lot of the feelings of loss you have around her are something to do with the incredible amount of loss you have experienced so far in your life. Maybe they are connected, I don't know. It just seems to me you have lost so much and this might feel like the last straw for you.

      You have to give yourself a bit of credit. As you have said in recent posts, you are not stalking her, you are keeping your distance even though that's really hard for you. It is good you are thinking about how she might feel if she were aware of your feelings.

      One thing I hope you eventually take away from this experience is that you can go through pain and come out the other side feeling stronger. You will. It doesn't feel like that now but the pain will lessen with time. Please keep telling yourself this. You can go on and we will support you here. You have made lots of friends in just a short time on the forum.

      Sending you hugs, sweetie. Stay strong.
      she is troubled with thick-coming fancies That keep her from her rest
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    4. #4
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      Hi Katie,
      Your right we dont understand you- only you can truely know whats going on in your head. but we are certainly trying to and also we are sticking by you, trying to support you.

      things will improve over time. its not easy.
      you will get there.
      Please keep taking.
      Luv and hugs
      Fox x
      What doesn't kill me makes me Stronger
      How i feel most days : (Oh and i'm the horse by the way!!)
      Thanks aleshadxcherylc gave thanks for this post

    5. #5
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      Hi Yorkshirelass
      Thank you so much in responding and bothering to read and you also bobfarr, bobfarr this is about my ex therapist which i lost a month ago and im still struggling to come to terms with it so all these emotions and feelings are about that!.
      My private therapist im seeing at the moment until the pyscotherapy starts thats if it starts she seems to think this attachment to my ex therapist hasnt just happened its developed over losses and other attacthments ive had in the past! which is true ive lost 8 people all close family and it happened to be i lost my grandad in CBT with my ex therapist so i think that made it worse also, i think also because ive seen so many therapists in 3 years and she was the first to help me as im autstic as well she understood and accounted for it and i connected with her straight away it probably helped she was about 24/25 and im 21! also i have no friends at all so that might played a part as im lonely she was just so helpful to me and the first one to fully understand. The other thing is i could feel i could releate to her and could tell her absolutly anything, She was the first therapist i'd ever told my whole life story and for example wanting to die and not be here, in 3 years and that was a big thing for me i'd built up trust and a strong connection well from my side anyway, she was amazing with my panic attacks it was little things like she'd sit and explain things in different ways if i didnt understand them first time she would add extra time onto the sessions if i had a panic attack or difficutlys understanding things so we would get the full hour as she never had clients after me when i was having a panic attack she was amazing she would bend down to my level and put her hand on my hand on my stomach and do the breathing excersies with me and i felt safe(pathetic i know but that meant a lot to someone like me),also she used to describe the homework to me in a way i would get it and then sometimes she would start the homework off to show me how to do it and then i could finish it off in my way to be honest i dont think she knew she was doing it as i told her this myself i said i think its just natural to her! so hence the reason no other therapist had done this with me before so i got atattched!! it was just the little things!. to do what she did at her age and being a trainee is amazing!, i'd wish id made the most of her whislt i had her there! im so frustarted with myself grr!.

      I'd just wish i handnt been so honest with them and her as i probably wouldnt be sitting here writing this!
      I wish i could email her,and believe me i have her email address but i dont want her losing her job as shes amazing at it so like you say i find it incresignly difficult to not contact her.
      im hoping at some point she said she was going to go private so im hoping if i needed her help again i could go back to her for CBT help. The thing no-one understands how much i struggle to connect its not a case of not wanting to connect its becaue i physcially cant!
      The thing which frustrates me if all them situations didnt happened in CBT and in my life i would probably be in a different place as she was a great therapist and they dont come along very often for someone like me, i think because ive been pushed and pulled for 3 years i thought i was getting somewhere and then they pushed me back.
      Like i say i have a pyscotherapy assessment on the 23rd of april so i might not even be right for pyscotherapy so ill have to see, im worrying that im always going to now be comparing and i wont let anyone else come in as im very diffcult anyway of keeping my barriers up but they are even more up now.
      I suppose because ive suffered a lot of loss in my 21 years of life shes just another added loss and i'd wished i''d had her as long as other people have their therapists for years i wish that was the case, for me i had her for 11 weeks, i think it would be a different story if they'd let me finish and give me that 8 weeks could have a changed a lot in them weeks!. It was so frustrating that so much happened for it to go right if only i'd had her right from the start i think it would be so different, i had a different therapist before her! so hence i was always on edge and panciking that they were going to take her away from me and replace her again with my other therapist if she came back off sick leave!
      I just i wish i hadnt been in a very bad place at that point because it could have been different and i wouldnt have needed to go onto pyscotherapy.
      I do take a while to get over things like for example when people who i thought were friends turned on me and bullied me so i never had friends it took me a couple of years to get over it ridiculous! im still not physcially over it more so the bullying than losing them.
      I just dont know how to handle it a month on im still crying im not eating and not sleeping still.
      My problems would be fixed if they gave me her back then we could work through them but that aint going to happen so im never ever going to get better.
      i wasted a good opportunity and its all my fault all my own doing its all my own fault why im in this positiion
      SORRY FOR THE LENGTH!
      Theres just no hope left in me anymore! i cant get better i want to but i never will
      Thank you for your kinds words
      Thanks fox also
      xx
      Last edited by aleshadxcherylc; 25-03-12 at 23:46.

    6. #6
      Senior Member Boris's Avatar
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      Hey don`t be so hard on yourself. It`s true your T was great in many ways, but failed in others! She was only too aware of what she was doing... getting you to divulge your past, breaking down any communication barriers along the way, and hopefully take away any pain, confusion etc from your past? Did she achieve that? Then if she did, that part she did well, and I take my hat off to you for your part in that process. It`s pretty obvious (well to me at least), what can well happen in those circumstances! She failed in getting you to stand on your own two feet(ish). She should have gone a lot further in giving you the confidence, and tools to get by without her!! You are now going through the aftermath, and I feel for you, it`s incredibly painful... please keep hold of all that good work that was done, and as time passes, you will heal, and become stronger. It`s my guess your T team know exactly where you are at, and you may well find your therapy will pick up from where it left, you just need a little time to grow stronger first! Please don`t worry about your future therapy sessions, I`m sure they will be just fine, just cope best you can till then, and keep posting :-)
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    7. #7
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      Hi boris
      Thanks for responding
      She drummed into me that the point of cbt is for me not to need her anymore I asked her once or a couple of times to record her voice on my phone so when I was having a panic attack I had her there but Everytime she said no as She didn't want me relying on her too much. Also with the panic attack thing with the hands she did that the first time the next time I had one I noticed she didn't do it maybe because she had to tell her team and told her she couldn't do it I don't know .She was always telling me this is about me becoming my own therapist I think it was my all my own fault and I didn't want to listen to the truth as it hurt.
      Thank you so much for understanding just wish I could go back in time and change it it's frustrating as I know if I'd had her from the beginning I would have got better instead of having two different therapists and then panicking the other one was going to come back from sick leave!!
      Like I say I have the pyscotherapy assessment which looks a waste of time as a counsellor I saw said your problems are cbt based so I guarantee I go there and then they send me back to where I started cbt again so I know I could saved myself a lot of heartache but I'll just have to wait and see
      Thank you for your understanding and support I feel isolated alone fragile hurt and like I'm in pain pathetic I know
      Katie
      Xx
      Last edited by aleshadxcherylc; 26-03-12 at 01:37.

    8. #8
      Senior Member Boris's Avatar
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      It`s ok I know exactly how you`re feeling right now. I know you hold her on a pedestal right now, but you could have had a full blown relationship and still be feeling better than you are right now, in fact that`s probably half the problem. Trust me she could have given you a lot more in respect of standing on your own two feet etc ;-)
      You will get over these set-backs, and going back to where it first started going wrong for you is unfortunately what you do have to do, or failing that just let time do its thing. You do now have an insight into helping others, should you want to when all this is done for you. I know you`ll do a much better job than your predecessor too :-)
      One more thing, I know it was difficult going through your past etc. next time it gets easier, and in time you`ll know how to work it to win hearts, should you want to. There is no better way of getting close to someone than divulging your weaknesses.... they then become your strengths ;-)
      You`ve come a long way, don`t give up now :-)

    9. #9
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      Im sorry i reallyhad no clue what was going on i guess i related in the way of hopelessness. I dont really know what to say im numb to people leaveing me. I take it like they died and death dont bother me at all. I guess its easier then life. I do know how hard it is to get someone who is really willing to take the time becuase i never found anyone like that. I gave up on such a wishful dream. I'm sorry i could not offer anything.

      Hang in there



      Quote Originally Posted by aleshadxcherylc View Post
      Hi Yorkshirelass
      Thank you so much in responding and bothering to read and you also bobfarr, bobfarr this is about my ex therapist which i lost a month ago and im still struggling to come to terms with it so all these emotions and feelings are about that!.
      My private therapist im seeing at the moment until the pyscotherapy starts thats if it starts she seems to think this attachment to my ex therapist hasnt just happened its developed over losses and other attacthments ive had in the past! which is true ive lost 8 people all close family and it happened to be i lost my grandad in CBT with my ex therapist so i think that made it worse also, i think also because ive seen so many therapists in 3 years and she was the first to help me as im autstic as well she understood and accounted for it and i connected with her straight away it probably helped she was about 24/25 and im 21! also i have no friends at all so that might played a part as im lonely she was just so helpful to me and the first one to fully understand. The other thing is i could feel i could releate to her and could tell her absolutly anything, She was the first therapist i'd ever told my whole life story and for example wanting to die and not be here, in 3 years and that was a big thing for me i'd built up trust and a strong connection well from my side anyway, she was amazing with my panic attacks it was little things like she'd sit and explain things in different ways if i didnt understand them first time she would add extra time onto the sessions if i had a panic attack or difficutlys understanding things so we would get the full hour as she never had clients after me when i was having a panic attack she was amazing she would bend down to my level and put her hand on my hand on my stomach and do the breathing excersies with me and i felt safe(pathetic i know but that meant a lot to someone like me),also she used to describe the homework to me in a way i would get it and then sometimes she would start the homework off to show me how to do it and then i could finish it off in my way to be honest i dont think she knew she was doing it as i told her this myself i said i think its just natural to her! so hence the reason no other therapist had done this with me before so i got atattched!! it was just the little things!. to do what she did at her age and being a trainee is amazing!, i'd wish id made the most of her whislt i had her there! im so frustarted with myself grr!.

      I'd just wish i handnt been so honest with them and her as i probably wouldnt be sitting here writing this!
      I wish i could email her,and believe me i have her email address but i dont want her losing her job as shes amazing at it so like you say i find it incresignly difficult to not contact her.
      im hoping at some point she said she was going to go private so im hoping if i needed her help again i could go back to her for CBT help. The thing no-one understands how much i struggle to connect its not a case of not wanting to connect its becaue i physcially cant!
      The thing which frustrates me if all them situations didnt happened in CBT and in my life i would probably be in a different place as she was a great therapist and they dont come along very often for someone like me, i think because ive been pushed and pulled for 3 years i thought i was getting somewhere and then they pushed me back.
      Like i say i have a pyscotherapy assessment on the 23rd of april so i might not even be right for pyscotherapy so ill have to see, im worrying that im always going to now be comparing and i wont let anyone else come in as im very diffcult anyway of keeping my barriers up but they are even more up now.
      I suppose because ive suffered a lot of loss in my 21 years of life shes just another added loss and i'd wished i''d had her as long as other people have their therapists for years i wish that was the case, for me i had her for 11 weeks, i think it would be a different story if they'd let me finish and give me that 8 weeks could have a changed a lot in them weeks!. It was so frustrating that so much happened for it to go right if only i'd had her right from the start i think it would be so different, i had a different therapist before her! so hence i was always on edge and panciking that they were going to take her away from me and replace her again with my other therapist if she came back off sick leave!
      I just i wish i hadnt been in a very bad place at that point because it could have been different and i wouldnt have needed to go onto pyscotherapy.
      I do take a while to get over things like for example when people who i thought were friends turned on me and bullied me so i never had friends it took me a couple of years to get over it ridiculous! im still not physcially over it more so the bullying than losing them.
      I just dont know how to handle it a month on im still crying im not eating and not sleeping still.
      My problems would be fixed if they gave me her back then we could work through them but that aint going to happen so im never ever going to get better.
      i wasted a good opportunity and its all my fault all my own doing its all my own fault why im in this positiion
      SORRY FOR THE LENGTH!
      Theres just no hope left in me anymore! i cant get better i want to but i never will
      Thank you for your kinds words
      Thanks fox also
      xx
      Thanks aleshadxcherylc gave thanks for this post

    10. #10
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      Bob dont aplogise you wasnt to know it was my fault for not explaining the situation but i thought as i'd explained lots, on lots of posts everyone knew so dont worry my fault!
      You are offering something, just being here and listening to my rubbish is really helping me.
      Boris I wish i could go back to where i started with her thats all i want but until have a pyscotherapy asessment which i dont see the point of as the stuff they deal with wont help me they said until i do that they wont consider taking me back.
      So i gurantee i will go to the assessment and they will end up sending me back to CBT anyway ive been trying for weeks to get back on the CBT treatment but until the 23rd of april which is yonks away i wont know anything its so frustrating as that is all i want to do is go back to her but obviously to them i dont count!.
      Thank you boris and everyone actually for your amazing support just feel like without her in my recovery again at some point i wont get better if i go back to CBT i will need, to have her again considering CBT is 20 weeks and it will take me 11-12 weeks to connect so if and when i refer myself back on which i will do because i think CBT can and will help me again im going to put in the comments box about my autism and my difficutly in connecting and about how its no point me going to soemone else as with seeing someone else i will waste 11-12 weeks of treatment but like i say dont know until the assessment.
      I just feel like im never ever going to get her back so whats the point i know half the work is msyelf getting myself better but the other half is finidng a therpaist which is right for you and you feel you can connect support and feel you can trust them so it wont work without her i think it makes it worse that ive struggled to find someone for 3 years then i finally find someone then their great idea espcailly when i was feeling sucidial and still do, to rip her away from me great idea!.
      They probably wont put me back with her ever again so i have no hope drastic and pathetic i know but i cant!.
      Thank you.
      Katie
      xx

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