Do you ever want to shout from the rooftop?

[JungleGym]

I do. I want to scream something from the rooftops but she won't let me. Its like I've got this itch inside and the only way to scratch it is to shout it from the rooftop! She keeps telling me not to do it, not to tell anyone. She says if anyone finds out they'll be jealous and do whatever they can to stop it happening. I know what she is saying makes sense but it doesn't stop me wanting to shout it! Posting here has to be the next best thing!!

Rawr!!

I've written it out a few times on different bits of paper then put them in the bin, but I'm still itching to shout! Lol!

[Yorkshirelass]

Hi JG,

Sounds like things haven't calmed down much for you!

I know what you mean about wanting to shout from the rooftops...

Have you told anyone (specifically your doctor) about 'her'? If not, I think you should.

Going on to the roof probably not a good idea though. You know that. I have had similar urges myself recently...

Maybe do a bit of shouting at ground level, somewhere out of the way of people?

Take care...

[JungleGym]

Not much has changed this week tbh. She's still here, thoughts are still the same. I crossed 4 roads without having to stop for traffic on Wednesday. Haven't really left the house since then so I've not been able to get into much trouble. Home alone now though. She keeps telling me not to try whilst people are around because they'll get jealous if they know. Nothing stopping me now everyone is out. I tried earlier. Walked halfway down the stairs and she told me I should fly the rest of the way. I did. I actually did it! But caught my foot on the stair gate at the bottom. My toes are a little sore now. I planned on having a shower and straightening my hair before giving it another go, maybe from the top this time.

I don't think I've told my Gp about her. I've told her that people have said I've been talking to myself, but I don't think I've specifically mentioned her. I can't bug my Gp again. She's already tried twice to have the pdoc come out, but the crisis team are getting rid of me on Monday so they are reluctant to send him out to me!

She is persuasive though and she gets aggressive if I go against her wishes, so I tend not to tell anyone.

[Yorkshirelass]

JG, this is not good. Deep down, even though you feel you are on top of the world, you know this isn't good.

She isn't real and she can't do anything to you if you don't do what she says. You must, must, must tell the crisis team people about her. You must not be discharged from their care when you are like this. You will do something dangerous. I am scared for you.

You can't fly. It may feel like you can, but you can't. It's like Buzz Lightyear, you know - falling with style. That's all you did earlier. Don't try throwing yourself off the top of the stairs. You WILL get hurt. You could break your neck. You may have come close to causing some car accidents when you walked across the road on Wednesday also. I am very glad you've been staying in, but it sounds to me like even the house isn't a safe environment for you.

You can bug your GP all you want. They get paid huge amounts of money to be there for people.

You need to see a pdoc. If you are as fine as you think you are, no harm done and I will stand corrected, but what harm can it do to have someone have a chat with you? But when you do, tell them everything about her and about how you feel so invincible at the moment. I know that will be hard because it will be like letting go. But this is serious.

Please be careful.

[jaxie40]

JG, this is not good. Deep down, even though you feel you are on top of the world, you know this isn't good.

She isn't real and she can't do anything to you if you don't do what she says. You must, must, must tell the crisis team people about her. You must not be discharged from their care when you are like this. You will do something dangerous. I am scared for you.

You can't fly. It may feel like you can, but you can't. It's like Buzz Lightyear, you know - falling with style. That's all you did earlier. Don't try throwing yourself off the top of the stairs. You WILL get hurt. You could break your neck. You may have come close to causing some car accidents when you walked across the road on Wednesday also. I am very glad you've been staying in, but it sounds to me like even the house isn't a safe environment for you.

You can bug your GP all you want. They get paid huge amounts of money to be there for people.

You need to see a pdoc. If you are as fine as you think you are, no harm done and I will stand corrected, but what harm can it do to have someone have a chat with you? But when you do, tell them everything about her and about how you feel so invincible at the moment. I know that will be hard because it will be like letting go. But this is serious.

Please be careful.

Hi JungleGym. I'm in agreement with Yorkshirelass. You really need to speak to your pdoc, just to be sure. Please take care.

[JungleGym]

The only pdoc I've seen is through the crisis team. I've seen him twice and both times he was useless. My Gp has been in touch with him/them twice in the last 2 weeks and not once have they been in contact. The crisis team are handing me over to the complex care treatment team on Monday afternoon so I'll be someone else's problem then.

I will only willingly talk to a couple of people from the crisis team, and they aren't usually the people that call. I had a call last Sunday and a visit on Wednesday but nothing since. They only came out on Wednesday because the health visitor requested they be here. They won't call again until Monday when they hand me over to R.

I've made a list of things I need to do before I can try again. I've made a long list that I'm slowly working through. Its hard standing at the top of the stairs each time I go up. She's always there.

I've just rearranged the living room by myself, I'm knackered! Lol.

[Yorkshirelass]

I'm glad you've got more support from Monday. I used to move furniture around too, nearly always helped clear my head or at least give me something to focus on!

Good for you, keep working on the list. Keep adding to it. Maybe try to get some sleep if you can?

I'm hoping you'll never get to the end of that list, by the way... I want you to stay safe.

Remember, you don't have to try again. You will really hurt yourself.

Why is the health visitor involved? Do you have a baby or small child?

Is your partner there with you? I think I remember you mentioning a husband? Apologies if I'm thinking of someone else...

[JungleGym]

I have trouble sleeping. Haven't slept properly in months. I take strong painkillers and nytol but they don't seem to help. Neither do the tried and tested relaxation methods, or even horlicks.

The health visitor is involved because I have 2 small children. G is 29 months and A is 15 months. Social services were also involved but passed my 'case' onto someone from the children's centre across the road. They were all brought in because I took an overdose whilst the girls were in the house and I ended up in A&E, but their dad was with them, they weren't alone.

I do have a husband, but I hopefully won't sooner or later. More than anything I want to leave him but at the moment its not financially viable. I'm hoping that once I qualify my college course and get a job I can get out and leave.

The girls at staying with my mum tonight. She picked them up this afternoon and is bringing them back tomorrow. My husband is staying at his mum's house tonight because his friend is picking him up early tomorrow morning. They are going somewhere to look at old classic/vintage cars...or something, I tend not to listen when he talks! Lol! Mum will bring the girls home once my husband is back as I'm not allowed to have them alone.

[Yorkshirelass]

That sounds like a lot to cope with. I am not surprised you haven't slept well for a long while. It goes along with manic type symptoms I guess. You need sleep to function normally - the fact that you haven't is likely to be one of the main reasons why you are feeling so invincible and why you are seeing her. Have you explained you're not sleeping to the crisis team/GP etc? Maybe they would give you something to help you get a few good nights' rest.

Sorry to hear about your overdose. You must have been feeling very desperate then. I have come close myself, but never quite had the courage to do it when the time came. The one time I got close and was going to go through with it, I was taken to hospital. I am glad I didn't go through with it now though...

What are you doing at college? I spent years as a mature student, did a degree in English lit and then a masters in cultural studies. Was a good time, stressful occasionally of course. Eventually got a very good job too.

Things with your husband can't be helping your mental state. I've been in bad relationships myself, not for a while, thankfully, but I know what it's like when there's no love left. It must be very hard for you to have to bide your time. Hopefully the time will pass quickly for you.

Will you be OK on your own tonight? What will you do if you can't sleep?

[JungleGym]

I've told them all about my lack of sleep. The crisis team just bang on about the relaxation techniques, and I've tried them all. I keep begging my Gp for something but she refuses because of my overdose attempts. She's not willing to give me something that I could potentially use to try to kill myself..although at the minute that's actually the last thing on my mind (first time in 8 months!!)

I started to feel tired last night so came up to bed. As soon as I got into bed I was wide awake. I kept playing my list over in my mind to stop thinking about the stairs. Kept thinking of all the things I need to do this week, and silly little things that were nothing to do with stairs. I managed to fall asleep around 3am and had 4 hours broken sleep..its better than nothing I guess!

I'm doing a teaching assistant course at college. I've almost finished now so I can start to apply for jobs soon. Or I should be....but I've been removed from my school placement by the request of the child protection officer at the children's centre. She doesn't think children are safe around me so has strongly recommended to my tutor that I'm to be removed immediately!!! Only myself and my children were at risk during my depressive episode, no one else! School was the only thing I was getting up for in a morning, and that's been taken away from me!!

My tutors at college are really supportive though. They are doing everything they can to get around me not being in a placement, and have assured me that I will pass the course..so at least that's something!

Hope you're okay this morning!x