Do you ever want to shout from the rooftop?

[Yorkshirelass]

I didn't have a great night either... Did my usual, was tired in the evening and then by 10pm was wide, wide awake. Forced myself to go to bed finally about 2am, but wanted to stay up later. Hubby has gently told me off this morning! I know which way this path leads, but feel kind of helpless not to follow it right now...

Relaxation techniques! My crisis team used to go on to me about that when I was in a mixed episode last year - hard to explain to someone it's difficult enough just sitting down never mind 'relaxing' and the idea of actually closing your eyes fills you with dread because the invisible people in your house will get you if you do! There was no way I could have imagined myself in a lovely garden or on a beach or whatever. Even the breathing exercises were hard!

I guess I understand your doctor's rationale, but if you're taking painkillers and nytol already to try to sleep I don't see how something better and more sensible wouldn't be a preferred option. They could give you zopiclone prescribed daily if they wanted to - they did for me for several days when I was at my worst and suicidal. A few nights' sleep can make a massive amount of difference.

Your tutors sound brilliant. I think, sadly, it is probably best you went off your placement for now But at least you have been told they'll help you to get through and qualify. I guess though once you are in a TA job, you will have to watch yourself like a hawk for early warning signs. You don't want the Child Protection Officer to have to intervene when you are employed, you would have to manage your lifestyle really carefully to try and avoid symptoms and take yourself off sick before it becomes an issue. That's really difficult for me, particularly with my highs, I just become obsessive about work and tend to ignore almost everything else. Luckily my bosses are good and know about my MH problems.

Have you been diagnosed properly and do you take any long-term meds (e.g. mood stabilisers)? I know it can take a while - for me, it took 15-20 years to get into the system and it to be recognised there was an issue, and then nearly a year for them to come back with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder.

I think you're doing really well with your distraction techniques by the way. It must be difficult, but keep going. Just stay safe, keep adding to the list and doing stuff. Glad you're still with us this morning x

[JungleGym]

I'm sorry you didn't have a good night either. I'm glad my mum had the girls last night. She's just been on the phone telling me they were up at 6am! Plus the house is nice and tidy as they aren't here! Lol!

Oh I know. They bang on about the relaxation techniques like they are textbook and work for everyone. You can tell the ones that don't have trouble relaxing and sleeping..they look at you like there is something wrong!!! I've had a couple of them list the techniques but then to go on and say how half of them are pointless but it's what they have to say to us!

I understand my GP when she says she can't prescribe anything, and I don't hold it against her. It's like she says, if she prescribes me something and I end up killing myself, it's her life and career that will be destroyed (as well as my life, obviously). I'm just a patient that bugs her (lol) and I would hate for her to get the blame if I ever succeeded with an overdose. I was on mirtazapine for 4 months and that helped with my sleep, but like all the ADs I've tried, they made me suicidal so I was taken off them. I was weaned down before stopping and had full blown insomnia for 2 weeks, so I went back to my GP and she said that although they weren't helping my mood, they were helping me sleep so I went back onto them. When I started them again, my sleep didn't improve and my mood was becoming more suicidal so I decided to stop taking them. I just stopped at 30mg and since stopping this time, I've been described as 'high' and 'manic' by numerous people, and the HV and child protection officer both said I seem like a different person since I've stopped. Which I guess is true, I'm not depressed or trying to overdose so that's gotta be better! Ha!

I do understand about my placement. I don't want to admit it but I think they have done the right thing..it doesn't make things any easier though. My tutor phoned my school placement on Thursday and said due to medical reasons, I'm unable to carry on with the placement. I had to go into school on Friday because I had a keyfob which they would need back, and I was there a good half an hour. The receptionists were lovely and were telling me how worried they are. They said that they are missing me and hope I'm better soon so I can go back! (they don't know about my MH issues). One of them told the teacher that I had popped in and he came out to see me. He said he is missing me, as are the children. He said he knows I'm not the kind of person to just decide I don't want to go in and help, so he knew something must have been wrong. He said I've got to concentrate on myself and get myself better. He also said that if I ever need anything I just need to ask, and if I need another placement or experience to let him know and he'll welcome me back into his class. I've only been there since January (2 days a week) but I must have made a good impression!!!!

I know I should apply for jobs, but I don't think I'm ready at the minute. I think I need to do what everyone has suggested, and concentrate on myself and getting myself better. I would hate to get a job and something happen to me/children/staff, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself. I don't even have a diagnosis which to me, makes things worse. My GP said I was depressed when I went to see her in August last year and that has just stuck. I saw someone weekly from the primary mental health team (healthy minds or something) from September until December and he mentioned BPD. I mentioned it to the GP and she kinda agreed. The crisis team have been involved since mid-December and the pdoc mentioned BPD. At the meeting on Wednesday, the bitch from the crisis team said a diagnosis takes a while because they are complex (the HV has been banging on about a diagnosis so I can apply for DLA ad my husband can apply for carers allowance)......but they were thinking of a personality disorder, she just didn't say which.

The times I've been to my GP in the last 2 weeks, she has said that if I don't 'calm down' they need to concider a mood stabalizer and an anti-psychotic, but she isn't willing to prescribe and send me off with tablets, which is why she's been pushing for the pdoc from the crisis team. He clearly isn't coming out to me, so I'm hopeful that my new support worker from the complex care treatment team can put something into place.....I dunno though!

The only meds I'm on at the minute are for my overactive thyroid, low iron and anxiety! Nothing regarding my head!!!!

Thank you for replying to me and talking to me, you kept me safe last night.x

[Yorkshirelass]

Glad I was some help - any time. Feel free to PM me if you want. I check in most days.

You are right not to be applying for jobs now - if your doc doesn't recommend you have several months off to get well and then recover from this then they are not doing their job right. I just meant down the road, when you are well enough to work and you get a job you'll need to have your strategies in place to manage things. Nice to have such a positive response from the teacher you've been working with though, eh?

Do push for a diagnosis - that's good advice from the health visitor. It won't change what's happening to you, but it's important like you say for benefit applications etc. And it might help you get your head around things a bit and work out how you will manage and understand your illness a bit better. It helped me anyway...

Sometimes you have to really fight your corner just to get yourself in the system properly. Your GP doesn't have the experience or understanding to diagnose you, no GP does. You need a psychiatrist to do that, and they will take time. Above all, push to see a psychiatrist. And really tell them everything, otherwise they can't do their job.

I hope they sort you out with some proper meds soon. If you were under a consultant psychiatrist, you would undoubtedly be getting better support. Sending hugs anyway

[JungleGym]

I've been told that the magic will start to happen when I'm handed over to the CCTT tomorrow. Apparently this guy can get me a diagnosis through the appropriate people, but I guess its going to be a waiting game. Part of me thinks the crisis team are making him out to be some kind of God because he's supposed to be able to do this, this and this..but part of me thinks that I don't need him or them, I'm doing fine by myself and I don't want to chance being put back onto meds in case they take my happiness away again. I've spent the last 7/8 months at rock bottom and I refuse to go back there.x

[Yorkshirelass]

Oh I know that feeling - the thing you need to remember is that you're not OK now either! though I appreciate mania feels nicer than depression for the most part.

Hopefully the CCTT can get you through this and help you cope with managing any crash that comes afterwards - I hope you don't have one, but that's the classic pattern. I know nobody can force you, but maybe give meds a chance, just for the short term initially? It might be a positive when you are ready to work that you have things under control. It could give you a better chance of coping, especially if you decide to become a single girl again.

Let me know how you get on tomorrow - will be thinking of you x

[JungleGym]

Thank you YL. I will let you know what happens tomorrow. The meeting isn't until 3pm so the day will drag just waiting for them to turn up. I hate waiting (lol!) and would prefer them to come in the morning, but I'm sure I can find something to keep me busy.

I've been downstairs all day, only going up to use the toilet. I've been taking my favourite wine glass with me (I don't drink wine, but it was a birthday gift and I love the pattern/design on it) so I'll be less likely to do something I maybe shouldn't. I would be devistated if it broke, so that's distraction enough at the minute! I've also spent the morning/afternoon making notes for my college assignment. I've been at it for almost 4 hours and only have 4 bullet points...my stupid concentration is pretty much non existant. Doesn't help that she's twittering on at me from across the room. I'm having fun doodling though

Thank you for replying, untitled. Hugs!

[JungleGym]

Hehe, that's an idea!!!!!!

My husband is home now. Lucky me!!!!!! Lol.

[JungleGym]

I actually slept last night! Yey!

I took some cocodamol and nytol last night at 7:15pm and by 8pm I was asleep in bed. I slept for 6 whole hours and at 2:30am I took some more tablets and slept for another 4 hours!! I'm not sure if I can say how many of each I've taken but its a little more than the recommended amount. It was just what I needed though!!

I actually feel more human this morning

Hope everyone else is okay!x

[Fragile]

It's not a good idea to overdose on products containing paracetamol.

You'd be better off trying something like Phenergan. It's an over the counter sleeping tablet, but it's a lot stronger than Nytol.

[Yorkshirelass]

Glad you've slept JG - I got about 7 hours which is amazing for me! Didn't want to get up this morning.

Stay safe today. Hope your meeting goes well - tell them everything x