Just a former regular kid
Well, I am 19 this year. Recently diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder type 2 but i have a strong feeling i was misdiagnosed. Currently i am on Anti-Anxiety tablets and Epilepsy Pills to keep my mood under control.
When it came to psychiatrist appointments, or Psychologist appointments, i would always hold back a few things. I've got things that i have never told anyone, not even my closest friends know. My family is worried about my mental health, unaware of the full picture.
Ontop of my constant depressiveness and anger issues, plus my variance in mood, i have bad thoughts.
I love to think about what it would be like to kill someone, to watch them suffer. I love watching scary movies and putting myself in the killers shoes, thinking about what you would get out of it. Whenever i don't like someone, i will plan things about how to get my revenge on them.
I sometimes tell God that i wish i had cancer, just to see what it would be like. Suicidal thoughts run through my mind very often, i keep to myself my entire life for the past 2 years. I love thinking in a dark sense, i would love to see someone murdered, or even the after-math of the murder scene. At times i'd connect my surround sound to my TV and blast it at full, while watching the saw movies. I have even seen extremely graphical image just to keep myself and my "hobby" at its peak.
I have noticed it is when i am at this time, that i am enjoying life the most. So far the most i actually put into action would be squashing bugs or small insects, or taking shots at myself just to see how much pain i can take.
Sure my parents notice things, but they believe it is to do with the Bipolar diagnosis.
I often do a lot of things, and cannot remember them afterwards. This also was thought to be related to Bipolar Disorder, however i think that's a crock. I tell my parents i am taking my medication, when really i cannot be bothered.
At the moment, i cannot see myself putting things into action. Infact looking at an animal suffer is hard for me to do, but these thoughts are with me 24/7, so i don't know what it will lead to.
In my dreams i often have big nightmares, whether it would be my scenarios playing out. Or me getting bullied in class, to which i would retaliate by doing problematic things.
Well, i don't believe i have psychosis, or any problem like that. Infact thinking of me becoming a serial killer makes me laugh at the fact, and maybe id enjoy the thrill of the being constantly on the run. You never know until you try, however i was bored at 8:40 on a tuesday night and figured i would share my thoughts with the viewers of the forum that i just recently googled for laughs. Do feel free to comment on this, aswell as some advice. I really will consider it.
Incase you doubt on this being true, it is fully and utterly true. Nothing i mentioned in this post was made up or anything, so you now know the most important secrets in my life.
Last edited by piglet; 20-03-12 at 18:44.
Reason: Self harm specifics
Feeling dim, rather than special:
Originally Posted by Kanton
You joined this forum in January last year; you have posted a few times, about pretty scary stuff, but not as scary as this (and seemingly not at all for "laughs"); and you seem to have been taking this forum seriously, as a place to get some help and understanding (although the infrequency of your posting suggests you aren't placing too much reliance on it - as I for one tend to do).
So I'm confused by your mention of "the forum that i just recently googled for laughs", as well as by the ironic-sounding "Nothing i mentioned in this post was made up or anything", and "Feel special".
Are antagonistic, mocking feelings towards this forum coming out at the same time as your "bad thoughts" (which do indeed sound bad)? Are you trying to put us off, in some way?
Or have I completely got the wrong end of the stick? Did you mean some other forum you just googled?
You post bravely about your sadistic imaginings, in which you are the one with power, who is a threat and a danger to others as well as yourself. Without commenting on how dangerous you might actually be (I haven't a clue, of course), I wonder if you have ever felt at the mercy of someone else who was dangerous and terrifying? Brave as it is to confess such "bad thoughts", is it even more terrifying to think about being a helpless victim? Or has that simply never been an issue in any way?
(Way out of my depth here, even more than usual; just voicing the questions that come to mind, after reading your very unsettling post.)
Like i said, i have a bit of memory issues. I might have joined earlier, i'm not even sure what my posts were if anything, however they might be about my bipolar side of things.
Originally Posted by Chimera
To be perfectly honest, the reason i came on here was to see if many other people were experiencing the same thing. i refuse to accept myself as a psyhotic person, because it will almost "blacken" my name, and change my future. But i can't get past these thoughts and feelings.
As for: "Are antagonistic, mocking feelings towards this forum coming out at the same time as your "bad thoughts" (which do indeed sound bad)? Are you trying to put us off, in some way?", You got it write. At the same time i was writing this, i had a smirk on my face thinking about a few things on my darker side. Im assuming thats why i treated it all as a joke. In all seriousness, i hope to get some help out of this aswell. Im deciding whether to get help for this or if its something everyone does.
But i was being honest when i said this is the truth, and that no-one knows about it at all. So all the readers are the first ones to hear and i somehow hinted my mum about it earlier when i asked to make an appointment with someone.
One thing that i do need help with, is i feel like a complete nutcase thinking about telling it to someone. Only by writing is the only comfortable way to do this, as when i talk about it i start laughing and taking it as a 'joke' when its actually a rather serious issue.
If and when you want to, you can check your own posting history (but there's no immediate need to do so).
Originally Posted by Kanton
Yes, I thought it was probably the truth, in spite of the confusing elements.
Originally Posted by Kanton
I guess whether you can get help depends partly on how frightened you are by your own thoughts and feelings.
(If you decide to indulge them, to go with them rather than against them, it's hard to see what kind of 'help' there could be.)
Then of course there is the matter of finding a really helpful person, face-to-face, in this often very unhelpful world. But my 'advice' (worth what you've paid for it!) would be not to worry about that just yet. You've done something just by posting what you have done; it was ambiguous and disturbing, but also brave.
I can't emphasise enough that I'm just some random (very random!) person on the Internet, with problems of a different kind; but for what it's worth, I imagine that it might really help, just as you think it might, if you can find someone here or elsewhere who has had to struggle with similar impulses. I can only confirm that it is not something "everybody does"; but it would be very surprising if there were not others in a similar position to yourself; your brave effort might even encourage someone else to come forward.
I do know what it's like to feel very alone indeed with very difficult things going on in one's own mind, which no-one else seems to understand; also what it is to have to struggle, alone, against parts of my own mind which I have to regard as bad (really bad, that is, really harmful, not just labelled as guilty for no reason).
I also think I understand very well what you mean about how impossible it seems to talk about such things, and how it seems more possible to write about them, at least as a first step.
If you can stick around the forum, and if you can take it seriously, you might find some encouragement in encountering people whose problems overlap your own, even if there is no-one experiencing anything exactly similar; for instance, people who hear evil voices might have to adopt similar strategies to resist the influence of those voices. There are a lot of forums here - look around, and keep checking the "Search: New Posts" button, to see what people are posting about. (I'm still not very expert in using this place myself, and I've been here for months.)
(I'm only guessing here; like I said, I'm way out of my depth, and have not experienced impulses like yours, nor have I heard voices, evil or otherwise.)
I think you've made a good first step, and if you can carry on discussing this very serious matter, in writing (and even with the occasional evil smirk!), it might help you to decide what to do next, and where to look for help, what kind of help might be available, and (just as important) what kind of incompetent or inexperienced or uncaring 'help' to avoid (or at least to be wary of)
Fantasising about hurting or killing someone is perfectly natural, especially if they've done something to hurt you (revenge), it's how we proccess and "get over" what we've experienced, seen, heard or gone through.
Typically a serial killer does'nt experience this process, contrary to popular films and media.
When you describe something extremely graphical you are showing it has "some" impact on you, this kind of impact would never happen with a serial killer because you can show them the most dreadful images, videos that have ever been and the reaction to them would be nothing, blunt.
Last edited by teakans jet force; 22-03-12 at 03:44.
I believe you and understand where you are coming from. I have also been diagnosed with bipolar disorder but doctors disagreed with psychiatrists about whether it was psychosis or bipolar. I personally disagree with bipolar as I feel it was a one off psychotic episode. It sounds to me as though you are more psychotic than bipolar but that ofcourse is only an assumption. i would suggest talking to your psychiatrist or someone else in the profession to maybe get a second experience. Don't hold back if you feel it is important that someone knows how you feel , it can only help you, trust me.
Hope this is helpful
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