I can't live this way anymore
Ok so firstly I'm not sure if this is the right forum so please move if necessary…
This is my story…
Im in a long term relationship for 15 years. We have always had problems financially, and always been volatile toward each other. We have 3 amazing kids together who are my entire life. I've recently started back to full time work after years of either being a stay at home mum or part time employed (not by choice but because my first child was born when I was 21 so I never got a qualification so jobs were never steadily available to me).
About 8 years ago we hit a very bad patch my partner would come home from work and go straight back out the door again to a friends house to go drinking. I had 3 kids between 3 and newborn and felt like I was raising them on my own. I eventually decided that the only way to break the cycle was to move. So that's what we did. I must say the house wasnt in the best condition but there was no rent to pay as a family member owned it which was great for us as we were living on one wage. Things were ok for a while but after 8 months I saw a text from another girl on his phone and when I asked him about it he told me that they had "only kissed" I couldn't cope knowing that he had done this so I asked him to move out. After a few weeks I learned he'd been seeing someone else. Stupidly I fell for the first guy who seemed interested in me. We started to spend time together and he was easy to get on with until 3 months later he broke my nose and two of my ribs. My partner was so understanding he helped me through it all and about a year later he moved back in.
Since he moved back in we have had our rows sometimes very heated and intense. Before Xmas he decided that he needed to "clear his head" and moved out. We decided to start couples therapy together and try to work on our problems. While this was going on he started to see that moving out hadn't been the best idea so he kept putting pressure on me to let him move back in. I wasn't comfortable going back to the way things had been so I kept saying I wasn't ready. This led to him storming out the door and sending me text messages about how selfish I was and how I was keeping our family apart. Just before Xmas he moved back in the kids wanted him and I was feeling guilty for their dad not being around at Xmas.
Everything was going fine, we started back to couples therapy after the holidays and our therapist decided he wanted us to go individually for 2 weeks. When my partner came home from his session he looked very down. He told me the therapist had said that we shouldn't continue therapy anymore. He also said that he had described some of my behaviours to the therapist and asked him if I could have some problem which he wouldn't tell me what it was. He said the therapist had agreed with him -exact words "if it's true about her behaviours then it's very likely she has this" and that I wouldn't recognise it in myself therefore he couldn't tell me what it was. Many times since when we row he throws what he calls my "mental defect" at me. I have asked him to move back out again because I am constantly thinking about what's going on and it's hard to keep the bright side out. Last night he'd had a few drinks and told me that I was completely unfeeling that no matter what he told me about how he felt I wouldn't care. I was only interested in myself. He said that I was a cold calculated bi@&h unable to show compassion and that everything had to be done my way. He said our relationship was a farce and always had been and that he had never been happy with me. He said that what he hadd discussed with the therapist was that I am a sociopath. He said the therapist and all of his friends have asked how he is still with me.
I know what I need to do I need him to move out but he won't unless it suits him. I can't keep living with this man because I am now at the stage where I am questioning myself constantly. Maybe he is right maybe I am all the things he had called me. I find myself wondering if my kids would be better off without me if that's the sort of person I am. I have made arrangements to start seeing a therapist individually next week. I just need to be away from him because I know the longer we are together the worse things will be.
I'm sorry for how long this is but I just needed to get it off my chest.
I cant live this way anymore
It sems to me that you both ned your own space, Also it may be that if you could go out together perhaps for ameal or the pictures, it would give you a pleasant break together. Ca you get someone to care for th children ocaionaly - say once a week. It may be worth a try. You must have had something in comon in he past, so talk about the good times. I hope thins work out for you both.
Welcome to the foroum well done for saying all of that on here to us all, dont aplogoise this is what is the foroum is for to vent and just let off whatever is on your mind.
So sorry to hear you have gone through such a tough time.
So sorry i cant really advise just wanted to welcome you
Take care keep strong and keep talking