I am sorry to complain and I know most people don't want to hear but I have to get it off my chest and since you guys don't know me this might be easier... I don't get y I had to have this eating disorder I know I did this to myself but why me? Y couldn't I have more self confidence? Why couldn't i see that I was beautiful like people said, ? Y did I hate myself when guys hit on me? I hated who I was and I hate who i am now, I'm lost I have a wonderful husband who is so patient with me but i am so mean to him and I just feel awful. I really wish I could just disappear and he could find someone who treats him right. Same with my family I'm just so aunrey all the time. The guilt of spending 40 dollars a day on food I'm gonna throw up is killing me knowing my husband is working his ass off. :_( I am starting a strict 150 calorie diet tmro and I know I can do it just have to start smoking again. I just wish this didn't have to happen to me why coulnt I find a healthier way to cope instead of cutting and purging? I don't wanna be like this anymore I wanna b healthy my husband and I want a baby but doctor says I'm not healthy and I know that just wish I was.