Lost everything and breaks my heart

[sunflower]

I lost all sense of rationale and went after my husband with a knife on Monday. I thought it was funny at the time, but know now just how very wrong it was. I am having to face the consequences of my behaviour, and boy how badly it hurts. Social services are investigating. I am not allowed to see my 4 kids or hubby. Police will be called if I attempt to. Not allowed to go school or they will do same. I realise what I have lost. May not be able to see them at birthday next week or Christmas. I so regret what I did. I'm not telling you any of this because I want you to feel sorry for me. I urge everyone to think if they can of the consequences of their actions, because I know how much I have lost and I don't want any of you feeling the same pain I feel. I can't make it right, can't turn back clock. Think think think. xxxx

[stanogden]

. I urge everyone to think if they can of the consequences of their actions, because I know how much I have lost and I don't want any of you feeling the same pain I feel. I can't make it right, can't turn back clock. Think think think. xxxx

not always as easy as thinking ay, I was losing it today if chemist, just sat there wating for my meds, told would be five minutes after eight I felt myself getting angry with them.....

I hope things work out sun, I'm sure things will get better for you...


stan

[messymoo]

It is so hard sometimes to think before we act when the impulsive action takes over. I do hope things work out for you sunflower.

[littlewolf]

i was about toself harm and my partner came for me with his abuse of words and telling me i was a whore adn not even seeing how bad things were making me so i scraped the knife 4 times on his arm instead of mine and he ahs scratches that now he says that make me even more insane, i feel beyond everything because i have fucking tried to have positive stong mind and do nice thigns today but now he quotes from thiss ite - can you believe that? well i cna cos i ve finally gone mad, think k think think = to some people = leave leave leave

[littlewolf]

and thats after all my fuickign stupid post about feeling better and stronger and going to the gym and doing ncie things and even advising others as if i felt great i fucking threw with it all

[mummychickpea]

hang in there little wolf it's a tough ride

Sunflower my heart goes out to you
Please do remember I'm here for you (mum to mum?) x

[megirl]

Impulsiveness is so fucking hard to some how 'control'
I know what I do is wrong but I feel no guilt or shame its like 'too bad I will get away with it'

Its such a hard one.

Sorry I probably arent much help atm

[Girl Interrupted]

I'm so sorry to hear this Sunflower, and it is good to see you're able to accept responsibility for your behaviours.

I am worried that SS aren't allowing you any direct contact with your children, they should have you supervised by 2 staff memebers in a contact centre. However they may be wanting to ensure you're not a physical danger to the children. In the meantime the best advice I can give is for you to preare what is known as 'indirect contact' i.e send the children a christmas card and present each, write to them how you love them and miss them but hope they have a lovely time etc. Same with the birthday, send card and present. Do it asap and ask the social worker to deliver it, but get a receipt for the cards from them. Do not send them directly yourself as it may be misconstrued, via the sw is best. They deal with indirect contact alot so don't be afraid to ask.

Warning, SS loathe BPD, so please be as pleasant and polite with them, never argue etc, never raise your voice, always offer them a cup of tea. Be careful what you tell them about your past etc. What type of investigation are they doing? Stay away from the children, hubby and school until you have been told otherwise. Jump through every hoop necessary. Any advice needed pm me anytime.

Have you sought any medical help for this impulsive behaviour? Meds might be necessary just to help stabilise things???

Whatever you do this weekend I hope you're able to be with others for support.