what is wrong with me?

[razza]

I'm 25. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety in January 2010. I feel like my life is over. My official diagnosis is currently major depression, panic disorder and some borderline personality traits (I do NOT have borderline personality disorder). I have been on 6 antidepressants since I was first diagnosed all taken for several months at the maximum therapeutic dose, most augmented with a mood stabilizer usually slow-release lithium plus I've been on seroquel from near the start to aid sleep and anxiety at varying doses (never more than 100mg). The ADs are: lexapro, effexor, pristiq, lovan (Prozac), aropax and currently aurorix (I'm also currently on seroquel and clonazepam as anxiety prn during the day and was just put back on lithium). Most of the medications had little or no perceived effect on my depression although I felt more stable last year. Extreme agitation and anxiety while on local led to self harming through scratching and chest pains from anxiety so I'm not sure what effect it would have had on my depression if I'd been on anxiety medication at the time. My psychiatrist has continually said I have treatment resistant depression and there are plenty more meds we can try. On Friday though I think she took her frustration out on me because she was saying I wasn't trying hard enough in my individual therapy or outpatient group and my best wasnt good enough (my psychologist and therapists have told me I AM trying hard). She said we'd exhaust all med options within the year and shrines aurorix wouldn't be the one before she put me on it but refuses to switch my meds or help me come off aurorix so close to Christmas.

Did I mention that not only has my depression not improved, but this year it has continued to worsen to the point where, having previously never been in the slightest bit suicidal, for the last two weeks I've had frequent pervasive and intrusive thoughts about suicide including coming up with plans on how to do so...

I feel like there's no hope, no way out. I don't know what to do. Why after so many different medications in addition to weekly therapy and an outpatient group have none of them helped to lift the depression if only a little bit? What is wrong with me?

[razza]

Sorry for the double post, I didn't know which forum would be most active...