Enough

[mr.uncle.eddy]

well, here i am again...dont know what to do or how to help myself...A+E...nah dont think so.

For the last few months i have been fantastic, i have confronted my demons and felt as though i was doing really well, i have been getting out of the house, something i was afraid to do, i stopped smoking, very strange in itself because i feel now like i have never smoked, i began an Open University degree and passed the first of many modules with flying colours, my confidence seemed to make a return when i had a very long and loud argument with my neighbour and i didnt lose control.

Then it happened, a couple of weeks ago i missed my meds, not on purpose, but i missed, and as usual i convinced myself i could cope without them so i havent taken any since
I think that i am now possibly the worst i have ever been, i am Jekyll and Hyde, on the one hand i am manipulative and cunning, its as if my head is planning without my permission it wants to get aggressive at every opportunity and it has times when it forward plans confrontational situations, funny thing is that i think that this is the guy talking now, calm, confident, slow... being sure of myself, reading and re-reading every word...arrogant

Then on the other side, i am now afraid to leave the house, i am suspicious of everything, everybody, every noice, i cant watch TV, i usher my wife and daughter off to bed as soon as is possible, this makes my enviroment easier to control, i cant sleep at night because of the noices, i have again started to see people that arnt there, this week a child of around 4-5 woke me from a brief nap, pulling on my foot (i was layed down) i woke, i acknowledged the child, asked what the problem was and got no answer for what seemed like a few mins then the child just disapeared, i was fully awake and found myself upset and extremely, even acutely aware of my surroundings, this stayed with me for a couple of days.
I was in bed a few nights ago, i was reading and the TV was on, i heard a voice call out my name, you know how some call your name in such a way as to be calling you over... i turned the TV down and listened, a shadow in my bedroom called to me from near the door, i got out of bed, went to the door and again listened, i clearly heard a voice whisper "come here", i went out into the hall way and looked into the other bedrooms, my eldest sons window was open, he was at his girlfriends for the night so i went into the room and closed the window, as i turned around i remember thinking "what an idiot" then i hear a voice at the bottom of the stairs call out "here", when i got to the top of the stairs i could clearly see a man standing at the foot of the stair, i sat on the top step, looked at him and said "just get on with it cause i have had enough, next thing i know my wife was behind me asking what i was doing and the man had gone, i checked the house, it was secure.
there have been several similar instances but smaller ones, even sat here typing i feel as though i am being watched, i have to keep checking, the acute awareness is starting to take its toll today, i dont want to contact my pdoc or nurse, i dont think i can trust them so i only tell them what i think they want to know, i dont tell my family, they think i am getting better, i need to explode, not just a bang, more of a boom, i can feel it inside and i dont know what to do about it other than wait for it to happen.


sorry for bangin on guys

[mr.uncle.eddy]

I am the closest i have ever been now to going to A+E, i didnt go to my pdoc today, i have become paranoid of everything and everybody, i hear voices, i see things i know are not there but see them anyway, around 3-4 times aday now, my head feels fuzzy and i can forget what i am doing in an instant i am not sleeping too well and when i do its for no more than 2 hours at a time, then the dreams wake me (nightmares).
Damn i am on edge.

[Apotheosis]

I get like it too if I stop the med I take - best to get back on them & get help.

[jelly bean]

Hi there sorry you had not had any replies. I have missed this post. I am in the same place as you but am slowly working through it. I still have the voices in my head and I had a panic attack last night which ended up with me phoning a friend to come and stay with me as I was convinced something bad was going to happen to me. I think it would be a good idea if you took yourself off to A and E so that they will be able to help you x x