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    Thread: First signs - How do you tell someone you think they need help?

    1. #1
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      Default First signs - How do you tell someone you think they need help?

      Hi - I am new to this forum - and I have never had any experience what so ever with any form of mental health issues so I am pretty scared about some of the things I am seeing/reading on teh topic.
      I am HUGELY alarmed about a couple of recent incidents with my son, he is 23. I have seen him become more detached, moody nd difficult to talk to over the last year if I am honest - but in the last month he has had a couple of really distressing nights with him. where he has been irrational, aggressive, talking about soem scary stuff that he really believes in and get angry/tearful and emotional about - things like: being a King of all gods, that he can make things happen to people - and that people can't hurt him or bad things will happen to them - he says he sees signs (things like he can;t grow a beard - that's a sign that he is special). His gran told him he woudl be a king one day. There's lots more he says that I don't understnad and he gets VERY agressive and angry with me when I don't understand, as to him everythign seems so 'obvious' - when he thinks I don't udnerstand starts to say things like he doesn't belong here - the world doens't understand the real "his name" the world can't handle "his name" - Some of the things I can make out I can see they relate to things that have happend in the past but he is making irrational and incorrect connections (ie., like his gran used to read bedtime stories to him when he was about 4 and so probably did tell him he was king!! - he split his head open when he was 6 and he is talking about that being 'the day it happened' the day he got his gift' - there is so much blood rushing round his head and his brain is so advanced etc etc) - both of these deep and disturbing conversations have happend recently (the latest was last night) and both when he was under the influence of drink (and or marijuana) - although he has told me he is not taking it anymore -and gets angry when he thinks I am accusing him of taking it. I do know he has used quite heavily in the past, he told me it's the only way he can cope with what's going on in his head - I am so scared and want to help him but want to do it in the right way so that he doesn't think I am 'turning on him' - I realise from the comments on the forum I have to get him to realise he needs help and should go and see his GP but HOW do I do that?? Can anyone help advise me on how to raise this subject with him?? Has anyone done it successfully before?? what happens if he won't

    2. #2
      Senior Member maxitab's Avatar
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      Hi jellybean and welcome to the forum.

      This must be very scary for you and to be honest it seems like he may become very disturbed if you mention to him that he needs help......in fact I suspect he won't be able to accept it as he is already losing touch with reality.
      You have a couple of options. You can phone your own GP or his and talk to them about what to do and ask if someone can come out to the house to see him.
      You can phone social services and tell them and they may well send someone out to make an assessment.

      I do think he sounds like he needs help ( you don't need to be troubled over why this is happening at the moment - it does not matter why...), and since he has not got help for himself someone else has to do it for him. Please do not wait......do it tomorrow.

      You also need to be sure you get help and support for yourself. Staying on the forum, by phoning Rethink or Mind helplines, and by contacting a carers group in your area....
      “The value of compassion cannot be over-emphasized. Anyone can criticize. It takes a true believer to be compassionate. No greater burden can be borne by an individual than to know no one cares or understands.”

      "Don't walk ahead of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend". A Camus.

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      Founding Member unlucky's Avatar
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      Welcome to the forum and I'm sorry its taken this for you to come to us. It may sound a silly question but have you spoken to him about what hes said when hes not under the influence. I know it can be really hard to broach such difficult issues but just try not to sound as if you're judging him.
      If you've tried talking to him then I think maxitab is right and you need to get in touch with his gp and ask what they think should be done, it sounds like hes only just clinging onto reality. I hope things get better for you, keep in touch and let us know how you get on.
      This too shall pass

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      Thanks for your advice and supportive comments - just reading them makes me cry - I feel sic, emotional and more scared than I think I have about anything - who are you supposed to talk to about anythign like this - Suddenly even posting on here makes it 'real' that I really do have to do something - and I hope I haven't made it worse tonight...........

      I decided to speak to him as he was totally calm, sober and chatty about work and made a cup of tea - so I thought I would 'sieze the opportunity' - I told him that I was thinking about last night and just wanted tell him a couple of things that I think he might be misunderstanding - I just started by telling him that his granny used to tell him stories when he was little about how he was a handsome prince/and became king, and I think he might be getting things confused in his memory of those stories, and the fact he can't grow a beard might be a sign of a hormone inbalance/or a physical thing that he needs to get tested out (was thinking that might be the 'key' to get him thinking about the Doctor) - but actually his reaction from a clearly sober calm start state worried me more that his previously fast ramblings - he just said 'arrghhh mum don't do this" - he immediately got agitated (he goes red eyes water, rubs his face and pulls his hair) and talks very agressively (I wasn't expecting such an instantly irritable angry reaction. basically he said don't you think I have been thinking about that for 19 years - don't you think I know all that , you have just proved to me that you don;t deserrve my trust and belief - I asked why he said you asked me last night if I smoked weed - I can;t blieve you asked me that, you know I TOLD you I was giving it up I was doing self medication and now you are just undoing that, don't say anything else, that just proves your not worth my belief and you don't know, your overthinking things - when I said you don' t have to cope with this stress on your own he freaked out and said 'stop it you don't understand what your saying - I do have to, I can cope with this I've coped with it for 19 years, no one else can cope with it - I just have to wait, please just get out my room and don't ever speak to me about this again.

      I agree and can see that it is me that needs help now to know how to talk to him and how to deal with this without infuriating him even more and making it worse !! - we have the same GP so I'll call her tomorrow morning.

    5. #5
      Founding Member unlucky's Avatar
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      You poor thing, I feel so bad for you, it must be hellish for you to hear your baby (cos no matter what age they are they'll always be our babies) talk like this. I don't really know what to say to you except hang in there, he can get better, he obviously just needs a bit of help getting there. We'll be here if you need us (well actually I won't because my broadband is getting cut off either today or tomorrow till a week on Friday but you'll get lots of support), I wish you all the best and please remember to look after yourself too x
      This too shall pass

    6. #6
      Senior Member maxitab's Avatar
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      I agree and can see that it is me that needs help now to know how to talk to him and how to deal with this without infuriating him even more and making it worse !!
      I can't agree with you on this....you did everything right and he is having an irrational response. Not his fault, but not yours either. I DON'T think this is a matter of your learning how to talk to him, I think it is a matter of his being unable to connect with reality right now. Please don't beat yourself up for not getting it right, that only muddys the waters.....
      I do wonder why you perceive yourself as being in the wrong when it is very obvious from what you said that you are not!
      When someone is irrational through some mental health challenge, there are times when no matter what a relative or friend has said or done, in the end it will come down to having to hand it over to professionals. You are his mum, not his therapist.......
      “The value of compassion cannot be over-emphasized. Anyone can criticize. It takes a true believer to be compassionate. No greater burden can be borne by an individual than to know no one cares or understands.”

      "Don't walk ahead of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend". A Camus.

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      Ok, thanks for putting me straight maxitab - you are right, I guess I am just used to being able to understand , see a logical reason for something and then be able to explain it and get solution orientated to go fix it - but this is different and I can't do any of those things - a nd probably shouldn't, becuase as you say I am his mum - so I'll see what our GP advises.

      Thanks again

    8. #8
      becky1989
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      Some really good replies there

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      although he has told me he is not taking it anymore -and gets angry when he thinks I am accusing him of taking it. I do know he has used quite heavily in the past, he told me it's the only way he can cope with what's going on in his head - I am so scared and want to help him

      In my opinion, you ought to ask him if you can try some of that weed and smoke it with him.

    10. #10
      Senior Member gazza's Avatar
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      I would be a bit worried of his reaction. It could make him angry as he has said he doesn't want to talk about it, it might be seen as an attempt to understand what he has already stated no one but he can understand.

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