Born with mental illness but only started to be treated 4 years ago. Currently on aripiprazole for "psychosis" "schizophrenia" "emotionally unstable disorder" or whatever label the doctors have given me this week. History of stressful situations including abuse by ex and strangers.
Cracking under the general strain of life. I have a wonderful fiance who is as supportive as a normal person can be, we love each other very much. But despite this I have increasingly morbid/violent thoughts. I fixate on the futility of living when dying happens at random. I daydream about hurting people. I don't think I am a violent person but yesterday went a bit off the wall and out of frustration punched myself in the face so I didn't hit whoever was around. Oops. I have a job at Subway which is really hard, I feel paranoid, especially as I've been told to expect the sack next shift. I can't even handle making sandwiches for a living, apparently.
I'm curious as to my options. What sort of respite is there? Is voluntary sectioning a wise decision? I have a meeting with a new CPN and a social worker (never seen one of those before) on Monday and was going to talk to them about going onto incapacity benefit if I lose my job... which would be a first as I only realised the other day that I probably shouldn't be working around other humans. I'd love to take a break and sectioning sounds ideal, I'd be safe and other people would be safe from me. I'd have to take my medication, which is good, as recently I've been forgetting it every 2/3 days. I'd be able to focus on music, reading and sitting down. But I have heard horror stories about voluntary sectionings turning into mandatory stays and also I'm not sure how well I'd get on with other people there, although heaven knows I could do with making some friends.
Generally I'm confused about the voluntary sectioning and whether I'd be eligible for incapacity. I'm so scared I'll snap and hurt someone. I am so angry. I haven't been like this before and it's worrying. The daydreams disturb me. I keep thinking about the experience of dying, not in a depressed way but in a curious way. Just... all the time...
Sorry if this is a bit rambly. As you can imagine my head's a bit of a mess.
Thanks in advance