I have been having a hard time at work since starting a new (contract) job late last year. Yesterday i just lost it completely, had to leave a meeting in tears and then couldn't stop crying so one of my colleagues told me to go home.
I felt so bad that I went to the doctor who has signed me off for two weeks due to work related stress. I'm really worried about this as I was talking to some colleagues the day before saying I was just going to try and do as much as I could and joked saying that if I was really not bothered about my job I could resign and have myself signed off sick. I didn't mean it but worried how this looks and whether they will say something to my manager. Perhaps it was just something in my subconscious telling me that things were really bad but I know how awful that will sound and worried it is enough to get me sacked.
My manager called me late yesterday, before I had actually had my appointment at the doctor, but was asking about me coming into work later this week. I said that the doctor had already told me on the phone that she wanted to sign me off but that that also made me anxious as I was worried about getting further behind.
Had I spoken to my manager while in work yesterday I know I would have ended up resigning. I have been feeling stressed and overwhelmed for quite some time. Initially it was due to feeling unclear about my role and responsibilities which I communicated to my manager. I don't feel he was particularly helpful and I feel he is often contradictory about what is expected of me. I've also had a few difficulties with him as he is sometimes very moody - if he isn't happy with my work or something I have said he often becomes very short with me and I can find him quite rude.
I work for a large company so when he called yesterday he mentioned I could meet with our HR team which I would like to do. But he was also quick to remind me that I have an obligation to the company as well as to myself and my own health.
I didn't declare having bipolar when I joined as I felt I just wouldn't have been offered the job so this really worries me. My GP has said it is unimportant and that the stress being work related is a separate issue regardless.
I'm not sure what I'm really asking here, but suppose would be grateful to know anyone else's experience in this situation.
I am terrified I'll lose my job. I have been so behind on lots of things and feel almost paralysed by stress now so even when I have been working flat out and doing extra hours have not been keeping up with work. I worry that being off now 'exposes' my inability to keep on top, even though I have already spoken to my manager about feeling overwhelmed and behind.
Ever since being really ill I have felt that my ability to cope with work and a stressful environment has diminished considerably. Unfortunately though I am saddled with the debts from credit card sprees while ill and I need to earn a decent salary to cover this.
I just don't know where to turn and I feel unable to even speak to anyone today. I have tried to call my manager a few times this morning to arrange a meeting with him and HR to try and talk things through and do something practical and useful but he hasn't returned my calls which is now causing me even more stress as I am worried about what is going on behind the scenes.
I really just don't know where to turn and I feel as though I am letting everyone down by not being able to do a good job. I wonder if I will ever be able to cope with a job again as I left my last job due to inability to cope with an excessive workload (early/late every day and working weekends) plus an aggressive manager.
I really don't know what to do and I feel so scared about everything. I don't want this to make me ill again either.