I don't know if this is the right section or not, let me know if I'm wrong. I just want to know what's wrong with me. I tried using google, but "why does hurting people make me happy" didn't come up with any results.
Since I was a little girl I would suddenly have a thought of hurting someone and it used to scare me. For example I'd suddenly think of stabbing my brother to death and was then terrified of going into the kitchen because I was afraid I would do it. I'm older now (20) and those thoughts that used to scare me are now comforting. I just want to hurt people for fun, out of curiosity, I like to see how they react to it and it makes me feel really good inside. It worries me though because I have a 5 month old baby and sometimes when she's nursing I wonder what she would do if I just pushed her face into me for a few seconds. I don't want to hurt her or anything, just making her cry makes me hurt in a way that feels good. It's so confusing though because it makes me feel bad and guilty, but relieved and happy at the same time. I used to do it to my cats when I was little (about 7 or 8). I'd spin them and throw them and hurt them then run away and run back to them so I can save them. I never told anyone that. I don't even know what to think of myself.