What is wrong with me? Please help.

[Wildflower]

Sorry...I don't know if this is the right place to post this - tell me if it isn't.

Last winter I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, and put on Fluoxetine. My doctor also arranged for me to see a counsellor. I don't really know how to describe what this post is about, and what I am asking, but I'll give it a go.

1. From the very first meeting, I loathed my counsellor. I never told her this - even though she said if I didn't get on with her, I could change to another counsellor. I felt like she was making judgments of me, and pushing me...I am pretty sure she hates me. As a result, I have stopped going to my sessions (which I think have ended now.) I used to skip sessions, then feel bad and call her to apologise but now I've stopped calling. I don't care anymore.

2. When I was first diagnosed with depression, I was given some information about my condition to read. I noticed that one of the symptoms was avoiding people, and feeling anger for no clear reason. I identified with this, as I have always preffered my own company to the company of others, and am rather prone to outbursts of anger at odd times...often, I find my emotions don't really "fit" the situation I am in.

3. On the subject of avoiding people...I have always made excuses to avoid meeting up with "friends," but recently I have found myself doing it more and more often, to the point where I ignore calls, texts, emails, and so on. I also lie, making up elaborate excuses to avoid seeing people.

4. I hate my friends. This statement may seem a little odd, but it's true. I cannot stand being around them any more. They have done nothing wrong, when I stop to think about it, but every time I think of them, I am filled with a crazy kind of anger and loathing, and I sometimes even want to hurt them.

5. I cannot enjoy anything anymore, excpet for when I'm alone. Yeah; this one kind of speaks for itself, but let me give you an example: I went on holiday with five friends recently, after finishing our A-Levels (I'm from England.) It should have been wonderful, but all I felt that week, and now, when thinking back to it, is a kind of emptiness slash hatred.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm going crazy - in the past (and recently) I have heard things or seen things which people tell me aren't really there. I should probably be telling a doctor all this, but I know they won't believe me. Plus, it'd kill my mother if she knew I was any weirder than she already knows I am. She cried all night when I was first diagnosed.

I was reading today about schizotypal and schizoid disorders, and I noticed I have several things in common with sufferers; plus I have always had a wild and very productive imagination and am definately a "loner," plus I have engaged in self-harm before, although I've never told anybody this, not even the doctor.

I hope somebody can help me...I feel empty and a little bit mad...I don't know what to do

[puremaniac]

just read the post below this i put it into point form as an easier read.

[puremaniac]

I know what your going through. Ive went through it myself. heres a few things that may help:

1. Make new friends, your other friends obviously dont know whats going on with you and you obviously dont trust them to hold their water.

2. if your on meds get the doseage lowered

3. try taking silly photos and making faces at your reflection....smile as the brain responds positively to the smile and you will feel a bit more calmer and happier

4. exercise... you dont have to be an athlete try stretches or jumping on the spot, you will feel better having sweated out the anger

5. eat better if you dont already do so... if its junk food you live on then your life will be junk

6. whatever your good at, try to perfect it, this helps focus the mind...and if you think you arent good anything then you are going to have to try several things...

7. get a new counsellor if the one you are with makes you feel uncomfortable then you did the rite thing by not going back, find someone who isnt just there to make a buck and actually gives a crap about their patients you will know from the first session..

I hope this helps a lot feel free to add me as a friend.