My life on an anti-depressive
Grew up in a completely dysfunctional family. Mother continuously seriously depressed. Father brain-damaged at birth (but a good, kind man). I had no contact whatsoever with my mother. Was placed in a childrenís home from 10 years old until I joined the Royal Air Force at 17. I am now (a young-looking) 53 year old wondering whether to live or die.
After one years CBT for panic attacks I was advised to take the anti-depressant Efexor (SNRI) 8 years ago- 75mg once a day for depression. It was hard for my body to accept the drug and it took 6 weeks to 'kick-in' and only with frequent coaching from my shrink (I had to ring him almost every other day because of the frightening side-effects). It's strange to think 8 years have passed. What is stranger and hard to accept is what I have done these past 8 years. Should I blame Efexor or was it just me? I think Efexor had something to do with it. This is a long story so I'll take it a bit at a time. 6 months on Efexor and I got a high profile job in an embassy. After six months doing a good job I reacted over-the-top angry and became very aggressive to one of the employees and basically I told my boss to F**k off and left the embassy. (That's not like me). I had just thrown a £35000 job away! Then I met a woman, got married after we met, sold my house and moved to England we had a baby. I got a job as a school caretaker. I got convicted for shop-lifting. Gave my job up and separated and separated from my wife all within 3 years. I then moved overseas where I am now. The worse thing was I didnít care what happened. I had just enough money and that was the only thing that mattered. Living on my own now in this foreign country, I somehow managed to get a £40,000 year top job with a multi-national as a translator- my dream job. But things werenít going right. I had lost my ability to do the job. I became sort of word blind. I could see words that werenít there and when I presented my work it was full of mistakes and blanks. Inevitably I lost my job after a yearÖBUT I DIDNíT CARE!!! I had enough money to live on, send money to England for my child and visit my child once a month. I had given up the hunt for a job. I started drinking and became addicted to porn on the internet. (I think that because of the lack of motherly affection, women have always been sexual objects to me; what you donít have you donít miss!!.) Before I end part 1 of this fiasco of a life I want to stress that I was taking 75mg of Efexor each day and drinking a lot of alcohol. Maybe it was the combination weíll see in part two. I hope Iím not boring you all!