Me and Efexor (Anti-depressant)

[Gerald]

My life on an anti-depressive
Pt1

Grew up in a completely dysfunctional family. Mother continuously seriously depressed. Father brain-damaged at birth (but a good, kind man). I had no contact whatsoever with my mother. Was placed in a children’s home from 10 years old until I joined the Royal Air Force at 17. I am now (a young-looking) 53 year old wondering whether to live or die.

After one years CBT for panic attacks I was advised to take the anti-depressant Efexor (SNRI) 8 years ago- 75mg once a day for depression. It was hard for my body to accept the drug and it took 6 weeks to 'kick-in' and only with frequent coaching from my shrink (I had to ring him almost every other day because of the frightening side-effects). It's strange to think 8 years have passed. What is stranger and hard to accept is what I have done these past 8 years. Should I blame Efexor or was it just me? I think Efexor had something to do with it. This is a long story so I'll take it a bit at a time. 6 months on Efexor and I got a high profile job in an embassy. After six months doing a good job I reacted over-the-top angry and became very aggressive to one of the employees and basically I told my boss to F**k off and left the embassy. (That's not like me). I had just thrown a £35000 job away! Then I met a woman, got married after we met, sold my house and moved to England we had a baby. I got a job as a school caretaker. I got convicted for shop-lifting. Gave my job up and separated and separated from my wife all within 3 years. I then moved overseas where I am now. The worse thing was I didn’t care what happened. I had just enough money and that was the only thing that mattered. Living on my own now in this foreign country, I somehow managed to get a £40,000 year top job with a multi-national as a translator- my dream job. But things weren’t going right. I had lost my ability to do the job. I became sort of word blind. I could see words that weren’t there and when I presented my work it was full of mistakes and blanks. Inevitably I lost my job after a year…BUT I DIDN’T CARE!!! I had enough money to live on, send money to England for my child and visit my child once a month. I had given up the hunt for a job. I started drinking and became addicted to porn on the internet. (I think that because of the lack of motherly affection, women have always been sexual objects to me; what you don’t have you don’t miss!!.) Before I end part 1 of this fiasco of a life I want to stress that I was taking 75mg of Efexor each day and drinking a lot of alcohol. Maybe it was the combination we’ll see in part two. I hope I’m not boring you all!

[greenstar]

Hi Gerald

I don't know anything about this particular antidepressant, but have you ever tried any different ones or talked to your doctor about whether this one may be having negative effects? (or is that in part 2 )

How are you now?

[Gerald]

Thanks for the reply Greenstar. I am feeling better. I didn't mention that after a year of cutting down on efexor I came off it altogether about 4 months ago. That's when I woke up to how my life had been affected by it. Being faced with reality was a shock to my system and sent me back down tha black hole again. But the awakening also helped me to get back on track with my life. I have better contact with my ex-wife. I realize more now what I need to be 'up'. And more importantly I actually have a job intervew tomorrow morning. It's not my dream job but it's better that nought. Thanks for your reply and interest.

By the way how are you coping?

[starfish]

hello gerald, sorry you didnt get on with efexor. who knows maybe the drug gave you side effects or may be it didnt. the important thing is that you are getting your life back on track. just put the past down to experience. i have been on effexor along with half a dozen other anti depressants. not all at the same time.! anyway i think your brave to be so open on here, i hope you get the job, and look forward to part two.you sound like a thoroughly decent chap to me.

[greenstar]

That's great that you have a job interview, good luck with it! Sometimes getting a job that's not really what you want can lead to something much better a little way down the line.

Sounds like you've done a lot of thinking recently and made yourself stronger. It's good to read that because it made me remember that in the past after I've come through a low patch it can make me feel more resilient and insightful into my own strange little ways of being.

I'm coping okayish at the moment, thanks, a bit better in the last week or so than I had been. Feeling odd sparks of interest and pleasure here and there at last, small but welcome.

[Gerald]

My Life on Efexor - Part 2

After coming off efexor 4 months ago I felt very well for the first month or so. I suppose it was a feeling of positive change and achievement. I had some nasty physical side effects but the biggest problem was insomnia; I just could not sleep and even with sleeping pills it was difficult. The longer I was away from efexor the worse the insomnia got. Then after about two months after quitting I started to get revelations about what had happened to me over the last 8 years. The revelations hit me indescribably. They came one after the other – the way I had just walked out on my dream job. How I let my family down. The lies I had told my friends. This could not have been me surely to God? The revelations hit me like electric shocks to my stomach. The terrible thoughts would jolt me just as I was dropping off to sleep. Knowing that I had lost everything except the place I lived and the last of my savings. (I’m on benefits at the moment so have no serious financial problems thank God.) The worse fact I realized when I came off efexor was that I had done nothing about my slow decline downhill; that I just didn’t give a toss. The last three years of my life has been spent drinking, looking at porn and taking different doses of efexor to elevate my mood when I needed too. The fact that I accepted that life I find almost unbelievable. After 3 months off efexor the revelations were seriously getting me down and I slowly slid down a black hole. It was horrible and very frightening down there and I began to feel very suicidal. Luckily I have some good friends who understand such things and they helped keep my head just above water. But I just couldn’t live down there. I lost all pleasure in life, I even lost all interest in sex and that’s definitely not me!
It really became too much and I went to see my doc who gave me Cipramil an SSRI. My experience with another SSRI (Prozac) was not good. Prozac made me manic and the same happened with Cipramil, I got so much buzz that I nearly went nuts. I had to stop Cipramil after only two days of use. Then I went down the black hole again. Then one night at about 3am in the morning I woke up and just couldn’t take any more. I took 37.5 mg efexor. Then I increased it to 2 x 37.5mg daily. They didn’t make me feel good but they helped me sleep slightly better and they took the pain away. I know it is wrong but I am currently playing with this tiny dose now. Some days I take only 1 pill (37.5) other days 2 pills. They don’t really make me feel good but they reduce my negative and suicidal thoughts. This is basically where I am now and am unsure what to do next. Remember that Efexor is an SNRI and not a SSRI.

[Gerald]

Coming off efexor ---pt3

I feel that right now I am confronted with the biggest dilemma of my life. If I stay back on efexor and increase the dose (because I feel I’m not taking enough right now) I feel that I will return to the pathetic self I was before and basically I don’t think I could live much longer like that especially knowing what I know now. Or I could come off the efexor and go down the terrible black hole again and see if I survive. I know this probably sounds corny to you but I love my 6 year old son deeply and he loves me. I feel that right now that love is the only thing which is keeping me going. I would like to just sink down into a bed and not get up again but I can’t, I have too much nervous energy. Even when I’m down the black hole I have too much energy which is transferred to extremely negative thoughts. No matter how much I try I cannot change those thoughts to pos. I have been in such situations earlier in my life but I cannot find any particular pattern of getting out of them. I am right now trying to get some professional help but it’s expensive where I am and using all my money on that will only make me feel even more insecure. There is free help but I must wait my turn. After my experiences on efexor I really am anti –anti-depressives but another option would be to try something new but not a SSRI. That’s the problem. Most anti-depressants are SSRI’s. There is very little to choose from in the SNRI’s and as I said I’m afraid of them.

Any suggestions would be welcome.

[Affective]

Coming off efexor ---pt3

I feel that right now I am confronted with the biggest dilemma of my life. If I stay back on efexor and increase the dose (because I feel I’m not taking enough right now) I feel that I will return to the pathetic self I was before and basically I don’t think I could live much longer like that especially knowing what I know now. Or I could come off the efexor and go down the terrible black hole again and see if I survive. I know this probably sounds corny to you but I love my 6 year old son deeply and he loves me. I feel that right now that love is the only thing which is keeping me going. I would like to just sink down into a bed and not get up again but I can’t, I have too much nervous energy. Even when I’m down the black hole I have too much energy which is transferred to extremely negative thoughts. No matter how much I try I cannot change those thoughts to pos. I have been in such situations earlier in my life but I cannot find any particular pattern of getting out of them. I am right now trying to get some professional help but it’s expensive where I am and using all my money on that will only make me feel even more insecure. There is free help but I must wait my turn. After my experiences on efexor I really am anti –anti-depressives but another option would be to try something new but not a SSRI. That’s the problem. Most anti-depressants are SSRI’s. There is very little to choose from in the SNRI’s and as I said I’m afraid of them.

Any suggestions would be welcome.

Have you talked to your doctor about going on another medication while you come off Effexor? And I agree, Venlafaxine is a horrible SNRI.

[Gerald]

Thanks for replying. Yes I have considered taking another AD but SSRI's make me manic. I tried prozac before Efexor 9 years ago and they drove me wild. Only 2 weeks ago I tried Cipramil a common SSRI and they had the same effect as Prozac. I contacted a shrink and he said my situation was problematic as i couldn't accept SSRI's. My financial situation is limited so I can't afford the current going rate for therapy which is about $150/hour where I am. It's available on the health service but there's a long waiting list.
I am however, working on the problem.