hi my name is Calvin and 21
(sorry this is going to be a long one)
just over 2 years ago i use to indulge in drugs quite heavily on a daily basis, mostly cannabis but i would take other things like coke and pills etc.
one day before i was going out to work i was smoking cannabis in my room relaxing when all of a sudden i started getting a sensation around my heart, it literately felt like someone had a hold of my heart with a tight grip. i remember standing up full of panic. i had never felt anything like this before, and just like many of you out there have felt, you think you are going to die.
about 30 minuets passed by and i started to feel a bit better. i got to work and things where ok but i had a weird numb sensation under my arm pit.
after that experience i said i wasn't going to smoke weed for a week (me being stupid thinking that would be enough time)
a few days later i got picked up from work by my mum i told her about what had happened and she thought it best to go to the hospital, not long after we was having a convo about it on the way to the hospital i started getting that grasping feeling on my heart but this time there was this thing. i dont really no how to describe it. the feeling was like my mind had turned off for just split second and when it turned back on it gave me a rush of adrenalin, boosting my anxiety.
when we arrived at the hospital i had worked my self up so much that i could just about talk, and id find it hard to remember what i was actually talking about, i think i was at the hospital for around two hours, and those two hours where hell, all of the conversation's and the lighting only amplified everything. i think the only thing i enjoyed about being there was my mum haha she was so calm about everything and that made me feel much better.
sorry i no this is long but there is still more thank you if you do read this all
about two weeks had passed by since my trip to the hospital. i hadn't taken any drugs or gone out, i had only gone to work until i got fired!! i told them what had happened to me and why i wasnt in full working order but that wasnt a good enough reason for them. i was so angry at what had just happened, i decided to go out with my friends to take my mind off things, THIS WAS A VERY BAD IDEA! one of my friends had just came back from Amsterdam and had a large amount of very strong weed.
we had one joint and i was ok although at the back of my mind i was worried that it may happen again, then came the blunt, im sure most of you no what this is. smoking that blunt is my biggest regret ever or ever will have. its hard to word the way i felt so i will try my best, but i pray no one ever has to go through it
my senses became heightened to a very high level, i noticed everything that was going on in the room and i felt like i was loosing control of my mind, i didn't tell anyone what was going i just sat there trying to find things to keep me sane. this wasnt working, so i asked everyone if we could go for a walk which was difficult to get them out, we must of walked for an hour. my heart was pounding so fast and was very bloated which didn't help. i really did not feel safe being away from my home at all so i went home so i could feel safe, i told my mum what had happened, she wasnt happy but she could see the state i was in so she did what she could to help me. i tried to sleep on the couch but it was no use. as i mentioned before about the sensation i got where my mind felt like it was turning off, well i had this it was happening so often that i had to force myself to stay awake, the only thing that helped was by me staring at one spot on the wall if i looked away i would keep getting that rush, and that feeling is the most scariest thing i have ever felt, and as i was stoned the mixture of that mixed with everything else was so intense.
from that day on i have never smoked or taken any drugs although i do still miss drugs i would much rather keep my sanity intact.
two years have now passed and i still feel nowhere near recovery at all. my mental state of mine just doesn't feel like me, like there is something missing,
panic attacks aren't as often as they used to be but when i get them they are very strong. but im not sure if that last joint has damaged my mind beyond repair??
i still get the stomach problems which from many tests all have come back as nothing is wrong. ive had 4 ecg's and 24 hour heart monitor tests, all come back with the same result, everything is normal, although now i have an irregular heat beat, my eyesight doesn't feel right.
i have had cbt and that has helped me as now i understand what anxiety is
there is much more to this but i dont want to bore you to death
but if there are any of you out there with something similar to this i would very much like to no what happened to you and how you are now
thank you for your time